Smiling when heart is actually shrinking.

I expected that today would be so wonderful. But, obviously, IT IS NOT.  

Friends, I won't say or wrote this thingy too long till make you guys bored to death. No worries. I'll try to make it short, just simple, and understandable.

I already knew it for so long but today, I finally understand that sometimes, the things that we put our heart and soul into it, its just not enough. And sometimes, its NEVER enough. 

Today, it was our anniversary day. I found out something. He still kept her pictures somewhere and again, I just smile. Trying to build my strong-castle in the middle of the night, with the fact, I don't even have any rocks and cement! I shouted about victory but shamefully, I lose my King. These thoughts, sometimes I feel it, and sometimes I don't. 

Now, you get what I mean?  (=

* I talked to Heet about it, trying to get some words from her that would make me feel better. She then answered me, "who is there to make him happy? It's you. not her. Who's always by his side? It's you. Not her. Who is willing to sacrifice everything and willing to be hurt at all the time as long as he is happy? It's you. Not her. So now, tell me one thing that she would do the best for him? Obviously breaking his heart and that is totally not you!" If this is a 'pop quiz' kinda thang, seriously, I probably will ask if I could use some salt water flowing from my eyes to my bed sheet as the answer, I would.*

I'm stronger than you thought. (=

People always say, "the struggles, the heartaches, and all the pain that you felt make you stronger in your life", but if they make me stronger, then how could I feel like a woodsy little baby dealing with it every single day of my life? 

Am I really stronger or do I just kinda girl who really love to cry everytime hard situations hit me on the face??

*sighing* ...There are some things to ponder. Whatever doesn't kill me will only make me stronger. (Right...) But sometimes, I wonder though. Wondering, how strong I really is, and how long does it takes before my faith fade away? No matter how strong, or how long it is, yet, there's a boundary. 

I started to think because I just heard this song on Youtube, "Life Ain't Always Beautiful" by Gary Allan. Later then, I searched the lyric on Google, and it goes like this. .,

Life ain't always beautiful

Sometimes it's just plain hard

Life can knock you down, can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful,

You think you're on your way

And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger

And the changes make you wise

And happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful

Tears will fall sometimes

Life ain't always beautiful

But it's a beautiful ride

Life ain't always beautiful

Some days I miss your smile

I get tired of walking all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute

I could see your pretty face

Guess I can dream but life don't work that way

But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise

And happiness has it's own way of taking its sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful

But I know, I'll be fine

Hey life ain't always beautiful

But it's a beautiful ride

What a beautiful ride.

After I heard this song, its automatically inspired me to become more and even more STRONGER!

Hey, I know I've shade too many tears, but deeply inside this body, beneath my heart, I'm stronger than people may thought. :D

P/S : Dear my beloved bestfriend, Nurul Hijrah Hussien, I simply dedicated this post specially for you. No matter what hits your life, a hurricane even a heavyrain, please remember, that life ain't always beautiful, tabahkan hati ktk, and ingat heet, kmk always ada ngan ktk. sik kira kmk jaoh or dekat, you know where to find me. I LOVE YOU, MY BESTIE! <3  <3  <3

Some online-survey that I took, particularly, just for F-U-N! :D

DEEP IN MY HEART SURVEY

Q : Do you think its a sign of weakness to cry?
A : Nope.

Q : If you could stop time at any moment in your life, what would you be doing when you stopped it?
A : Spend the whole free-time with Muama. HEHE :))))))

Q : Do your parents still treat you as though you are a child?
A : YES!

Q : Have you had a falling out with any of your friends lately?
A : No.

Q : What character in any movie that you like and why?
A : I love Parker in Leverage, not just because she's super-cute but also cool, too. :)

Q : Would you tell someone the harsh truth, even though you know it would make them depress?
A : Err probably, no. I'm not that vain.

Q : Would you ever consider changing your gender?
A : ERGGH! no! Best bah jadi mpuan. Girls awesome, ya know?!

Q : If you could change a part of your life but it would effect your present, would you?
A : Even if what had happened to my life before was damn sucks, but I would never want to change any of it. Everything happen for reasons. :')

Q : What do you think of "emo" style?
A : G-A-I

Q : If you have a time machine, what would be the first year you will visit?
A : Err future? Let me see. What about 2015? Scaryyyyyyyy~

Q : Do you have to like someone to love them?
A : Of course.

Q : What do you consider LOVE should be like?
A : The most sweet, heart-melting feeling, and the happiest feeling that should not harm people who those are crazily in love with their partner. And, Israel people SHOULD learn how to love even more!

Q : When do you want to die?
A : NOW, PEH-LEEZE?!!

Q : Would you want to live forever?
A : Yes, of course, IF life is a fairy tale. 

Q : What is the worst thing that ever happened to you?
A : Last year, 2009. Sikmok klaka hal ya. *sigh*

Q : What is on your mind most today?
A : "where on earth did I put my skinny?"  *wondering*

Q : Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
A : Nope. Just for a certain case.

Q : How many things are you really thinking about right now?
A : Tons. 

Q : Do you like Bush? And was his name even worth capitalizing?
A : a BIG NO! My butt worth more than his name!


Q : Have you cried last night?
A : Negative.

Q : Have you ever called a person useless?
A : Sure, I did! Ainoe is useless. I mean, she's VERY useless. 

Q : Do you usually tell people when they hurt your feeling?
A : No. They don't have to know. :')  Let it be.

Q : Something you just don't get it?
A : Why people fantasizing Eva so much?? As if perangey nya kacak macam muka nya juak. Duhh!

Q : If you're being very quiet, what does it mean?
A : It means, something is bothering my mind. 

Q : Do you believe that everything happen for reasons?
A : Absolutely! I live on it.

Q : Are you there for your friends?
A : Always. I guess. 

Q : Are you a forgiving person?
A : Yes, but I am not a forgetting person. 

Q : Are you a jealous person?
A : Sometimes. It depends. 

Q : How many true friends do you have?
A : Few. I mean, VERY few. 

When May ends

May. Gahhh  -.-'  It's a really a rough month. Most of it because of the 'exorcise' final exam. Doing lots of revisions. Alone. Depressed. And stress, for sure.

But ............

Thank God, finally the final exam's over, and and AND, it is time for a holiday. (Dayyum. Aren't I supposed to be happy about that? Like, hello~, it's a holiday. And human loves holiday) But it is different from my case. Well, it's still a holiday but YA ALLAH, cuti semester for THREE MONTHS, wei. GILA LAMAK~ Seriously I knew it that this holiday would be so bore. Have been and tried to plan lots of 'kinda' fun activities with my girl friends but seems like none of them work.  

Sooooo, I guess I might spend my three months holiday in mwa own room. ARRGHH-some!  =______=' 

The moment I first knew Muama, the angel of mine =)

Frustrated. Heart-broken. Hopeless.

                         Those three pathetic feelings that I felt at the time. I was facebook-ing on (December 9th, 2009) that evening. Checking my profile and stalking on others profiles as usual. And the weirdest thing about that evening was I didn't go offline chat, differ from my other days. That day, I go online. Chatting with a FEW boring strangers. Layan pun (honestly) semadi ndak jak layan sidak. Suddenly, this guy appears on my chatbox. Shahriman Satisfactory. 'Hey..' was then appeared on my chatbox. Belom reply dolok tok. Kmk check profile Shahriman Satisfactory tok tek and viewed a few photos nya, cos he's adding me as his friends baruk jak a moment ago. And I was like, 'Hmm. Handsome'. Then I replied 'Hey' too. The conversation's begin. Honestly lah, ati dah bunga-bunga time chat ngan nya ya and ignore terus chat ngan strangers tek. I DON'T KNOW WHY. Dah chat ngan nya 30 minutes camya, PADUHAL, nya penah ngaco kmk dolok tapi kmk sik layan cause time nya ngaco kmk ya kmk gik maseh ngan ex kmk. Sik sangka betemu balit. Then, he asked for my number bila kmk padah kmk dah tuka number. Kmk  sik pake number lamak agik. So, I gave my recent number ngan nya with no doubt. SELALUNYA please lah kmk nak berik number kmk sekati ngan orang sebarang tapi tang nya mintak tek kmk terus berik. Seriously weirdo bizzare aihhh. So, bila dah dapat number kmk, nya terus lah miscall kmk tek. Again. Paduhal kmk maseh simpan number nya lam contact kmk. Nang kmk dikpun kejut bila nangga 'SHAHRIMAN calling' appear kat screen phone kmk. Then, start ariya kmk duak everyday contact, selalu on the phone. Honestly, dari hari 1st kenal nya gik kmk dah fall ngan nya, which is mega strange. I was heart-broken for about 6 months and now gila ngan this guy within ONE DAY?? And I whispered to myself, 'Hanim, what the heck happened to you? You're heart-broken, remember?? Apa orang laki tok dah polah ngan kau sampe kau gila ngan nya dalam masa sehari jak??'. And I was like, 'Yeah. What happened?'. It's simple. I'M IN LOVE. Finally.  =)

                             After a few days kenal ngan Shahriman @ Muama through phone, kmk duak finally jumpa face-to-face on December 13th, 2009. But bukan klua beduak la. We hanging out together along with his cousin, Ooi. My first impression about him was, 'nya tok kerek eh'. And it makes me thinking for awhile, 'Is he the right guy for me? If couple ngan nya, would he serious in a relationship?? Nya dapat polah kmk bahagia sik oo, if couple ngan nya??'. I started to worry. And afraid, of course. I've been hurted like hell before and for God's Sake, I rather be dead if I were asked to feel those pain once again. I've been crying a lot too these few years. It feels like I'm walking in the dark, all alone, without knowing what's infront of me. I lost. I don't know what to expect. Like shit I was damn afraid. Balit rumah lekak klua ngan nya ya, kmk masok bilit and terus nangis. I'm shaking cause I was too afraid, afraid mok dilukai for the 2nd times. I already fell into someone. But I don't know whether he's the right guy for me cause kmk fall ngan nya cepat gilak. I can't even helped myself. He's so irresistible bah. Kmk nang sik dapat mok tapok feeling kmk towards Muama. But then, I talked to myself, 'Hanim, chill bah! Enough with those tears eh. Keep on exploring who's Muama really is. Who knows he might be the One. Open your heart to someone new'. (I bet you guys thought that this girl is crazy cause she's been talking to herself a lot. But trust me. I'm just trying to please myself. That's it) And yes, I keep on exploring who's Muama really is. Trying to get to know him well. Klua ngan nya around duak tiga kali camya. The first REAL thing that I noticed about him was he was very honest about himself. Sampe kmk dikpun wondering why nya cerita semua pasal bad and good nya ngan kmk. But every single word that came out from his mouth, I swear to God, kmk cayak. Mena. Kmk tauk bah nya klaka benar. SERIOUSLY, his honesty has stole my heart. And I was like, 'I want this guy so badly!!!!!'.

                         See?? Kmk sik salah orang. It's worth it. The exploring is so paid-off as he proposed me to be his girl on December 19th, 2009. Gosh! Feels like I'm dreaming. To fall in love again?? The last time I fell in love with someone was back on 2007. It's 2 years ago! Hell it's a wonderful dream. The day he step-in into my life, he's just like the sun who shone and brighten up my life, day by day. He absolutely turns my tears into smile. And he finally found me, walking all alone in the dark, and hold my hands and showed me his 'I-will-walk-with-you' face and never let go till then. He is really what I've been looking for all this while. I'm so thankful and grateful to Allah S.W.T for sending Mohd Shahriman into my life. 

                           The red roses. Those red roses nok nya berik ngan kmk 2 days before Valentine's Day, make my heart over-melting. Goshhh! Sapa sik caer bila dapat bunga dari orang laki. Red roses gik ya. Nya orang first yang berik bunga ngan kmk. The sweetest thing ever. Sumpah. The other sweetest thing that he had done to me was we danced together with Sheila Majid's song is played on his laptop (sumpah time ya kmk dah caer lebo. Kmk nang dah blushing tahap infinity  eh, sampe kmk dah sik terdaya mok face-to-face ngan nya. All I could do is to lean my forehead on his chin), the breakfast that he made for us two (rupa telo nok nya goreng nang cute), nya cuci kreta kmk (nya mati-mati melarang kmk nolong nya. kmk disuroh nya dudok rah carporch, nya dikpun bepeloh-peloh nyuci kreta kita, tedah nya), and, he takes me out for a dinner with his entire family (and he introduces me as his girlfriend. Awwwwwww~)  OhmyGod, kmk angau!  :DDD

                         

                      Now, dah 4 bulan kmk duak gerek. Everything's just a piece of cake for us both. Cause we got each other. I loved him so much. Bagi kmk, Muama is so special. He is different from other guy I've met before and after. He made me feel what its like being loved by someone and appreciated by someone. And automatically kmk teringat ngan kata-kata ex kmk time nya dumped kmk dolok, 'Eboh carik kmk agik. Ktk akan dapat laki yang jaoh lebih bagus dari kmk klak bah', and YES! Mena kata kau. Aku dapat Muama, yang 100x jaoh lebih bagus dari kau. Sumpah aku suka kita duak break, Sjap. Cause I finally met someone special who pumped my heart fast, who made me going crazy at all the time, who made me feel real being in love, who taught me how to smile again, who I deserved to be with, and, most important is, I finally found someone who I can hold on every day and night. It's just extremely overwhelming to have Muama in my life.

                        Sayang, I love you with all my heart. With all my soul. Being with you is the best decision I made. You're my breath. 

            

Don't ever judge a book by its cover!

               I've known you since 2008. My first impression as I saw you coming from behind the classroom door at Amali Tuition Centre was, 'this girl, she looks like a good girl'.  
                Yeah~ that was 2 years ago! Now, it's already 2 years since I've known you, (Oh God...), I know exactly who you really are. I won't mentioned your name here neither I won't call you with bad names. I still got my halo on top of my head. The reason I wrote about you is to let you know that people are hating you and for God's Sake, please, change your attitude! Ktk suka push orang aih. Manusia ne pun mun dipaksa, sekda sidak suka bh. Dah lah ktk push orang, push kmk, ktk keep on calling eventhough you already know that I still got classes or ada hal time ya. Then boleh gik ktk anta message 'Saya menunggu'. Yohhhh. Sumpah kmk angol ngan ktk. 

Angol. Rimas. Bencik.

         Hey!! We're not your slaves. Sekda masa nak menoh semua kehendak ktk, okay? And I'm not your driver! Macam sultan mintak kmk neman ktk pegi sia sitok tapi kmk yang disuroh ngambik ktk dirumah, minyak kreta kita sekda nolong ngisik., nang aku ajak lah nanggong kau if kau embak aku klua!!!! Patut juak orang bencik ngan ktk aihhhh. And, yang paling polah kmk BENCIK ngan ktk is, ktk pike kmk tok bodo gilak sik tauk kesah2 past ktk. Kisah ktk dah penah polah SEX banyak kali ngan EXes ktk till ktk pregnant and ktk dah brapa kali gugurkan anak ya. Ya Allah, boleh gik ktk ngenjen kmk madah 'molah sex gik kmk sik pernah'. Nang yohhhhhhh. Panas ati aku oleh kau ehhh! *sigh* Lets make this thing clear, okay? Satu Kuching tok tauk kesah kau dah gugurkan anak banyak kali, okay!! That's the reason why orang semua sik suka ngan ktk, why orang laki banyak lari dari ktk. Tauk reti malu bila dah pregnant. Time molah sex ya sik pike pun malu, sik pike pun akibatnya klak. Rilek jak ngenjen kmk. Okay now, I asks you, who's the real idiot in this story, huh? I see myself being very intelligent by thinking and knowing all your tricks, all your nonsense lies. Eeda, Shaf, Muama, Sukor, I bet EVERYONE hate ktk. 



P/S : Don't judge the book by its cover! Take my situation as a good example. This girl, rupanya nang innocent, tang bait jak upa. 
But once you explore who'sthe real she is, Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ...*speechless*.

Knowing Me

HEY! A big claps for myself cause I 'finally' have my own blog. (Oh babe. This is so darn-pathetic). Okay. I'm Hanim. I'm going 19 this November. Nothing much about me that people SHOULD know. Randomly. I love music. I love watching movies. I love hanging out with my girl friends. I love to spend a whole-day long with my boy. And, I'm a daughter. I'm the blacksheep of the family or perfectly saying, I'm the devil of the family. Yup, people. That's the way I describing myself. I'm a student. Accounting student. But I wish, I'm not an accounting student, cause, idk, being as a photography student sounds more cool. *sigh* (Whatevre!) Err err err. Okay. Bye. :D P/S : I'm going to write again. Tomorrow. See ya!